wow..al i have to say is ..wow ! im riding home with my dad and he says to me "i dont think you believe in god.you sin so much.youre anorexic.you care too much about what others think.you care about the way you dress.you wear to much make-up.you show cleveage too much.that is not what god wants.you look like your gonna be on a street corner soon.i dont know if your even my daughter anymore.youve changed in a bad way.i dont like what you have become."I HATE HIM!! we yalled for almost and hour.then i sat in my room and cut and cried.im sorry lyssa i didnt come to you first but i just had too!
it takes alot sometimes.getting up.going into civilization.knowing ill be judged and talked about.i still go through it though.sometimes i dont know why. but i feel like one day people will notice or at least some one who has been through my pain will notice.and my life will help her get through.at the same time who cares about people who have judged me for being me.i know they are really the insecure one and lash out on me to build them selves up.and still i want to just hide under a rock.i could already be dong that though and no one would notice so why try? being un-nooticed sometimes hurts worse then them noticing all my faults.all my scars.all my bruises.all of ME! really that is all i am in societys eyes.fault.
well....this blog has helped me feel better already! its weird..im not used to "feeling better" . but, in the end...i just want acceptance. ive almost ended up like amanda todd many times from starving myself. when i do these things as in : cutting myself and starving half to death, i realize maybe i do it to get noticed for once but then i realize (again) that it isnt just that...i just want someone to care! someone to listen...maybe people would after im dead? maybe if im noticed finally some one will love me some one will accept me.my anorexia cutting self......ill be loved. and that is all i want, to be loved...for someone to care...for someone to help me through...someone to stop me in the middle of the day with a hug.a tight hug that would keep me goin me when im heading for the blade.i just want love ...is that to much to ask?
why cant i just live my life anymore. why do i worry so much about if my baby sister is ok.shes not the one tht gets hit.that is just me.she is not the one that turned to smoking and drinking.shes not the one that is anorexic and yet,i cant go to sleep at night just for worrying about her.i feel to protective but really,im not.or am i ? i just am so confused.im not accepted anymore.i feel like me being alive just screws everything up for everybody else.like,maybe if i died everyone would be happier and life would go there way? i dont really know....ive been treated differently since i was diagnosed with anorexia.still..i expected it from friends..but, my FAMILY?! ive lost most everything that kept me going and this blog was something last resort. soo..i really dont fell comfortable opening up this much already. so maybe ill update tommorow and please comment.i really need some support. i geuss yall could tell i need it. thanks for listening or well....ermm.,...reading.
Previous Postsfight, posted October 16th, 2012, 4 comments
all i am, posted October 16th, 2012
i just want love!, posted October 15th, 2012
support please!, posted October 15th, 2012
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